Scott and Ashley Laneri: A Tale of Two Adoptions

Morgan Jones Pearson

Scott and Ashley Laneri have adopted two beautiful boys. And they will tell you that they consider both opportunities to add to their family miracles. As Ashley put it in an Instagram post, "Our family is a witness of the reality of a God who brings about miracles." We hope that their story will remind you of the miracles you've seen, and will allow you to hold onto hope for the miracle that you still need. Scott Laneri is a principal at the Richie Group where he focuses on developing multi-family and hospitality Real Estate projects. Prior to becoming a mom, Ashley taught seminary full-time from 2013 to 2019. For the last three years, she has taught a weekly Institute class. This is All In, an LDS Living podcast where we ask the question what does it really mean to be all in the gospel of Jesus Christ? I'm Morgan Pearson. And I am so honored to have Scott and Ashley Laneri on the line with me today. Ashley and Scott, welcome.

Ashley Laneri

Thanks Morgan, we're so thrilled to be here.

Morgan Jones Pearson

Well, I am so thrilled to have you. And I just I want people to know, as they're listening, that Scott and Ashley really are every bit as good as they seem. And I'm anxious to have the chance to learn more from you guys myself, and to be able to share that with the others. So as we talk about your experience, I want to start with kind of your desire to have a baby. And you've said that you realized really early in your marriage that IVF was going to be your only option as far as getting pregnant goes. And you've talked about how grueling and taxing that process of IVF is, which I'm sure those listening that have been through it can relate. But for those that haven't, what makes the IVF process so taxing,

Ashley Laneri

it's like where to start. IVF affects every aspect of your life. It affects you financially, physically, mentally, emotionally. So it's just it's difficult, because it really hits every part. But I think I think one thing that really was probably the hardest thing was it's just so out of your control. I know a bunch of people who have done IVF and they go in, they get the embryos that they need. They get transferred, and they have a baby. And the thing is that was just not our experience. Every time we went in, there was always a hiccup. It was always like, Oh, well, there's another procedure that needs to be done. Or oh, actually, this is going to take a few more months longer than we thought or oh, we need to after medication,

Scott Laneri

Or we need to do this test to figure out if this can work in some way.

Ashley Laneri

It just never was easy. It was just like every time we walked in, there was always a roadblock. And that lack of control is so hard with with IVF you're just constantly wondering, when do I get to plan on anything in my life?

Scott Laneri

Yeah, and then in addition to that, it just absolutely wrecks, Ashley's body. And for any women, it's just it's a really tough procedure. They they really become like an experiment for anywhere from two to sometimes six months. And I just have watched Ashley go through so much, be on so many medications, have to have her hormones, just like blasted all over the place. We have to do shots every night. We've had to do different pills, we've had to do lots of different things, she has to do dozens and dozens of doctor's appointments, really like women take the brunt of it. And that is so hard to watch. And just like especially as a husband, you can just sit there and you feel like well, like can we take some of this? And you really can't, other than just like trying to be supportive and loving and helpful. But that adds a whole other element of just like it really is more weighted toward women and that has its own challenges when it feels like a trial isn't like totally equal. And for men, there's challenges that you feel but it's not like a physical difficulty. We feel, I think similar pain and feelings about wanting to get to have a baby and grow a family and those things but it's just it's not the same physical challenge.

Morgan Jones Pearson

Well, and it's amazing to me listening to you all that people are willing to go through that all the time because of how badly they want to have a child, and that you all have been willing to go through that. So you were able to get pregnant initially, Ashley, but then you had a miscarriage. And shortly thereafter, you got a call that completely changed your life. Can you tell us a little bit about that?

Scott Laneri

So yeah, like you said, Morgan, we did IVF, we got pregnant, which was so exciting. And we were just thrilled. And then we found out that it was a miscarriage. And that was really, really hard. But a week after that miscarriage, we got a call completely and totally out of the blue, Ashley got a text from this person's mother. And the mother said, Hey, can my daughter reach out to you and and talk to you later tonight? And this was on Easter Sunday in 2019. And Ashley was like, oh, yeah, sure. And she kind of mentioned it to me. And we were thinking, Oh, great, you know, this girl wants to talk about like, becoming a seminary teacher, getting into BYU or something like that, or maybe just wants to catch up. And so that night, we were both sitting in bed and Ashley was like, Yeah, we should probably do this together. So she put it on speakerphone. And this girl, who's now become very special to us, gets on the line and says, Hey, guys, I have no idea where you're at in life right now. But I can't get you out of my mind. And I heard your names the other day. And since that time, you've just constantly been in my mind. And I feel like Heavenly Father has really been wanting me to talk to you. And then she says, I am seven and a half months pregnant. And I would really like to consider placing my baby with you guys to adopt. And at that moment, I just completely...I looked at Ashley and then I just started like gushing tears. And Ashley and I were both and then it was like, we were like what? I'm sorry, did you just say you wanted to? You want us to like adopt your baby?

Ashley Laneri

I think the next thing I said to her was, so tell us something about yourself. Like you could have knocked me over with a feather. Like I'm sitting on the edge of the bed. I seriously thought I was gonna fall over. It was a complete shock to our system. We had never thought about adopting, never even considered really, truly considered adoption. And

Scott Laneri

even after like we just we had just miscarried. And we were already, like planning the next time to do IVF. And so yeah, that was like that was our game plan. We were laser focused. And just like, oh, no, this is like IVF or bust. And so yeah, it was a big was a big surprise.

Morgan Jones Pearson

That is wild. So like you said you had never considered adoption. You hadn't discussed it. How did you reach that decision? And what did you learn from that about being open to a plan that is maybe different than the one that we've imagined for ourselves?

Ashley Laneri

I'm kind of ashamed to admit now that I really didn't want to adopt. I feel really embarrassed to even say that out loud right now. I just I felt so like IVF world that I just did not I wasn't even considering adoption. And so I was really shocked. I turned to Scott after that phone call. And I was like, listen, that was either the craziest thing that's ever happened to us, or that was a miracle and is like going to change our lives. It was either going to be one or the other.

Scott Laneri

But at that point, we were both thinking that was probably just something crazy.

Ashley Laneri

Exactly. So that night, we went to bed the next morning, we were like, Let's just Let's both call our parents.

Scott Laneri

And we had told her too on the phone, we had said, Hey, we really appreciate you telling us this and we know like how big of a decision this would be. And so, like on our side, we want to make sure that we take it really seriously as well. But it's kind of like the old like, if a guy tells a girl like hey, I've had revelation that you should marry me and the girls like Well, I haven't had that yet. You both need to get the same answer. And so we kind of had that chat of saying hey, look, we really respect you and like understand that this is a big decision. But we would like to also just know for ourselves before making such a big choice? So that was really what we set out to do is...

Ashley Laneri

get own answer. So we Scotland to work that day he came home, this is what's interesting is that he came home that day, and I had gone and talked to my parents and some close friends or family, Scott had done the same. He comes home from work, and he has like a smile on his face. Like, I think we got to do this. And I, that was not the answer I was receiving. I was still in very much the fear based. No, I don't want to do this. And so I was like, Wait, why are you having all these good feelings, and I'm not having good feelings yet. And that was troubling to me. So I just continued to pray and continue to like, seek out and ask people for some advice. And it was the craziest part was that our hearts changed. I think that was like, the most beautiful part of this miracle was that my heart—and I would say it was probably within 48 hours that it like really began—I went from please no Heavenly Father, I don't want this to be right to please, Heavenly Father, let this happen. I think this is right. And within a week, it was the following Sunday, we were able to call her and tell her that we felt good and felt that we should move forward.

Scott Laneri

And during that week, I think we just had lots of small promptings and just really kind of sacred, special experiences and just helped us like, as I talked to my mom, my mom had a really sweet experience where she started tearing up...I told her for the first time, she's like, Scott, I really, I feel like this is right. And it was like, wow, okay, Mom. Well, that's, that's awesome. And for me, like, I really value my parents and getting their advice. I listen to my parents a lot. And so hearing her say that, for me, it was like a big mover of the needle. And then I think for Ash, it was like, we just each have these little subtle experiences. And then if you remember too, we went to the temple. And had just another sweet, special experience in the temple words just confirmed again, before we called her that it was right. And I think all of those things were really sweet and really special, because you just kind of need that with adoption, there can sometimes be so much hair attached to these situations. And this one really isn't that way, necessarily. But it was so helpful, especially in the early months after we adopted Charlie to look back and say like, No, I know for sure, this is right. And that helped in a huge way.

Morgan Jones Pearson

You have said that you feel like you had to be broken down to even be open to this experience of adoption. I think that's an interesting thing in life is that sometimes things have to break us and change our hearts in order for us to even be in a place to be open to something that would bless us. How would you say now looking back that adoption has blessed your life?

Ashley Laneri

Oh, my gosh, what would life be like without adoption? It is everything to us because it brought us our boys. And I had this experience just a few weeks ago at our stake conference, we had an area authority come. And he was talking to us, he told this story that I'm probably going to botch but you didn't hear so it doesn't matter anyway. But he told this experience of this grandson painting with his grandfather. And he's sitting down to paint with his grandfather. And he's like, what color would you like to paint with grandson? And he says green, my favorite color is green. And so he takes the tube of paint and he squirts out yellow and the grandson is like "No, green. My favorite color is green." And you can imagine, I can imagine my little toddler right now being like no green. And so he just kind of watches his grandfather kind of puts it out on the canvas. And so then he gets another tube of paint and he squirts that one out and his grandson's like it's gonna be green, and out comes blue. And he says, "No, grandpa I wanted green." And then he starts to watch his grandfather mix the colors and a beautiful green appears. And I don't know a lot about art but I can imagine that maybe one reason you mix the colors is because it creates this special green, I mean, it's unique, it's probably different than what you would get out of the tube straight out of the tube. And that's what I feel like adoption has been for us. Charlie is yellow, and Peter is blue, and they are my green. And it is a more vibrant, more unique green than the green that I envisioned for my life.

Morgan Jones Pearson

That's amazing. That's such a good analogy. So for you two your second adoption has been very different than your first. Tell us a little bit about that.

Scott Laneri

So, yeah, the second adoption has been extremely different. Unlike with Charlie, where we got a call from someone we didn't really know well, and it was just sort of like, "Hey, I'm seven and a half months pregnant. You know, let's do this." With Peter, it was way more of a process where we really had to put in a ton of effort. And actually, like, really try to make it happen. Shortly after we adopted Charlie, we'd had a prompting that that we're going to adopt again.

Ashley Laneri

Well, Scott did, I did not again, again, he keeps having these promptings before me, which is so hard but great, but it's so good.

Scott Laneri

Yeah. But again, those are like, they're like, these little feelings that you like you feel it. And then you kind of forget that you had it. And then like you read about it months later, and you're like, oh, yeah, wow. Oh, that's really special so I'm still gonna say we, we had that prompting.

Ashley Laneri

Scott had a prompting shortly after Charlie came and I, adoption is very emotional. And so I was like, I don't know that I'm quite ready to think about doing this all over again. And so it wasn't until 2021. That actually two years ago from almost today, it was April general conference, Elder Neil L. Anderson's talk. And he shared about his, I believe it was his grandson who married a girl who had been adopted. And he talked about adoption in that talk. And I remember actually sitting where I am now watching General Conference, and just like, being filled with joy, from like, my head to my toes, it was like, this happiness in my heart. It's like the feeling if you've ever watched someone that you love get baptized, it's like that feeling like just this, like overwhelming joy. And I turned to Scott with tears in my eyes, and I was like, we need to adopt. And so that was I mean, what? Two years from the time that you had had a prompting. And that's when we decided, okay, we're going to try doing a private adoption. And we're going to try to go the social media route and and really try to spread the word that we want to adopt and hopefully get matched with someone. Yeah.

Scott Laneri

And we'll talk about this, I'm sure. But with Charlie, it was, you know, a month and a half. With Peter, it was 18 months. And so very different experiences. And both were challenging in different ways. But yeah, with Peter, it involved a lot more patients and in waiting.

Morgan Jones Pearson

You mentioned deciding to go the social media route. I want to hear a little bit about that. And kind of what what you saw as the benefit of that. And I want to talk a little bit about you were extremely creative in the process of your second adoption. You had a cooking show on social media with Charlie. And then you even hosted a Utah-themed birthday party to try to raise awareness of adoption. I watched the Studio 5 clip and loved it. I'm wondering, what is the benefit of going that route when trying to adopt? And how did you come up with these ideas because they're very creative.

Ashley Laneri

Thanks, Morgan. I like poured my heart and soul into those ideas so that means a lot. Well, I think we decided private, I don't know you kind of go with what you feel. We know a lot of people who've had success with agencies. And so there's some great agencies out there. With private adoption, you're not paying an agency fee but you are putting in a lot of your time and your work and effort to put your name out there.

Scott Laneri

And the legal process and the actual adoption process is exactly the same whether it's a private adoption or an agency adoption. The primary difference is that with an agency they do all of the marketing all of the finding, and then they're with you every step along the way. They will assist you through the process. And then with a private adoption, you are doing the finding, you're doing the marketing, and you hire an attorney to walk you through the legal steps of adoption, you work with a social worker. And it's just less sort of having someone by your side the whole time to take you through it.

Ashley Laneri

And with Charlie, we had had success with word of mouth. I mean, really, his birth mom heard about our situation through word of mouth. And so we figured, why not try again. So the cooking show, and the birthday party and any other video and thing that we created very, like organically happened. I mean, I actually, I love my birthday, I threw myself a birthday party, I saw an idea on Tik Tok about somebody who did a themed party, it was a Utah, no, it was a themed dinner party with their family. And I was like, I want to turn that into a birthday party. So I just threw myself a birthday party. And then it turned into something when I posted the video on social media, I got a lot of views.

Scott Laneri

We posted it through the adoption account.

Ashley Laneri

And then yeah, and then and then kind of used that to then kind of spread the word. The cooking show, it was like, I just love to cook. I'm always in the kitchen, always baking, always cooking. And our son Charlie is hilarious. So like, why not put those together and ended up like creating these really sweet memories in the process that I can now look back on and it was kind of cool, because as a little two and three year olds, Charlie really got to help bring Peter into our lives, bring another little brother into his life.

Morgan Jones Pearson

Totally and I want to highlight something I had Karly Guymon help me brainstorm a little bit. And this is Ashley's old roommate helped me brainstorm some of these questions. And one of the things that she said she was like, I'm so glad you have a question about the cooking show because people should know that that is like so genuinely Ashley. She's like, she loves to cook. She loves to try new recipes and to be in the kitchen she's like, but the thing that they also should know is that every other aspect of the whole social media thing was very out of your comfort zone and something where you put yourself out there, and that wasn't super comfortable for you. Is that right?

Ashley Laneri

Oh, yeah, I actually hated that Morgan. I hated it so much. It was so hard. I hate being vulnerable. I hate telling people our personal life. It is so uncomfortable.

Scott Laneri

Ashley is very private, which is hilarious.

Ashley Laneri

not anymore.

Scott Laneri

And here we are on podcast sharing with the world. But yeah, actually, like when she joined my family, the Laneri's, we're kind of loud and open and talkative and share feelings and all those things. And I think when Ashley first came into our family, it was like, it was an adjustment. She was like, um, Scott, why did you why did you tell your mom and your sisters about this thing that happened in our marriage? And I was like, Oh, was that bad? I'm so sorry. And yeah, so for Ashley to be the one to like, really take on this whole social media thing was pretty amazing. And I think that by doing that you alter and you change a little bit. But yeah, you had to get outside of your comfort zone for sure.

Ashley Laneri

Yeah, it was hard.

Morgan Jones Pearson

Which I think like that's yet another sacrifice. You know, I think there are many different ways that, that you all have sacrificed. But that's just another example. You have discussed in this process, the idea that many times we wait on things that are out of our control. I wondered, and this is something that many people will be able to relate to for different reasons, but what have you learned about waiting, overcoming discouragement, and having hope in the middle of the middle of the story?

Scott Laneri

Well, I think part of it is we often hear that things in life, that instant gratification, leads to an unfulfilling life. And if we just continuously indulge ourselves in instant gratification, you just you kind of end up with a shallow experience. And as I was thinking about that, I was like, well, the opposite can also be true, where the best things in life often come when you have to work really hard for them or you have to wait a long time for them. And I think that's been so true with adoption and our boys and our journey through infertility. I think all parents absolutely must just love their children and so I don't have anything to compare it to. I just know that like, for me waiting, has made me appreciate Charlie and Peter so much. And like, I just I love those little boys so much and they're so special to me. And so, one thing I've learned about waiting is it is ridiculously hard. But I think that God intended it to be that way. And I think he intended it to be that way because, like the end result, when you have to wait and work hard for something, is just so much better. And He knows that. And it's hard for us to realize it, and it's hard to experience it in the moment, but He kind of sits on the sideline and is like, hey, yeah, you can wait a little bit longer, because I know what's coming. And when you're on the other end of it, and you look back, you can see that more clearly.

Ashley Laneri

When we think of waiting, I think we think I'm waiting for my food to be made. While I'm in a drive thru or I'm waiting for the bus to come like it's a sitting experience. But waiting is a verb. It's something that you do. It takes action. And so this waiting that we've experienced a bit of, we're constantly having to do something, we're constantly having to work, to trust, to draw closer to God. And I can think of no better curriculum than the one that God has given me. I mean, how else could I really learn what it's like to be truly patient, what real patience is. I feel that I've had a taste of real patience in the past, especially 18 months. And I don't know any other way that God could have taught me true patience, or really true loss and pain. But then real lasting, solid hope. I don't know how else you teach us those things unless you experience, it's something you can't have vicariously, you can't get it in the classroom. It comes through work and through real true waiting as a verb.

Morgan Jones Pearson

I completely agree with you. And it's funny that you say that, because that's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately—about how kind of there's two meanings of the word Wait, you know, there's the idea of waiting for something which, like you said, should be active rather than passive. But there's also like waiting, like somebody's waiting tables. And that, in that process of actively waiting, we should be serving God and and seeking to get something out of that waiting. And so I love that. You shared Ashley, a thought that a friend shared with you where they said "growth comes during the process, not at the end result." How have you guys seen yourselves and your marriage grow through this process?

Ashley Laneri

I think that Well, first of all, it's a hard question because like, I don't know, our marriage without this trial, without this. And so I wonder what it would be like without it. But I can say that, looking back, I do feel like I've noticed Scott's strengths a lot more because of this process. I'm really grateful that we're different. And yet we have the same goals and same focus. And it's helped me appreciate like he's really good at a lot of the legal stuff. A lot of the thinking about like different circumstances and laws, and how do they apply in our circumstance. And Scott does his research and is very informative, and then he can calm my fears whereas I just like to sit and worry and not actually find out. He actually does the homework. And he's been a calming force, especially with IVF as well. There's a lot of emotional roller coasters I had been on with the social media route. A lot of times where like I'd put out a video and it would flop and Scott would be like you just need one. You don't need a lot of views. You just need one, you need the right person. And so having that calming force and he's just got a lot of strengths that I've I'm just really grateful for.

Scott Laneri

Thanks. And I would say that for me, the biggest thing again is just having like so much more respect for Ashley and just realizing how tough she is and how much garbage she's had to go through and I know I talked about how women have to go through these really hard things and it just sends their bodies through the wringer. And for me, it's just been like man I married such a resilient, tough girl. And you get to see like the real stuff of people, you kind of get to see that when it comes out during the hard times. That's when people kind of show their true selves a lot of the time. And like Ashley's true self is like, strong, not quitting, just resilient person. And that helps a lot when times are good to remember that because you're like, oh, man, I have a catch here. And so I think that it is neat that the trial can can help in a marriage and help you draw closer in those ways.

Morgan Jones Pearson

I heard something years ago that said that the most underrated quality in a marriage is someone who suffers well snd I think that that is very true. You guys, you kind of alluded to this, Scott, when you referred to the garbage, but you guys have had to go through a lot of highs and lows in this process. Tell me a little bit about some of the challenges that people may not be aware of when it comes to adoption.

Ashley Laneri

I think I think a lot of people, when they think about adoption, they think about the sacrifice that is made on the side of the birth parents. And rightly so. I do not want to diminish that in any way, believe me, it is incredible what they go through. I think what they don't see is that on our side, it's also very difficult, in a similar sense in the way that IVF is difficult. There is no control. We don't get to choose like anything. It's very much about the birth mother and what she wants. And again, rightly so, I'm just trying to point out that that can be difficult on an adoptive parent. And there's just a lack of control. And you're just waiting and hoping that it actually happens, because we have friends who have had failed adoptions. And where, you know, the birth mother has changed her mind and no judgment for that situation but it would be really, really hard. And so there's a lot of like worry of, we don't even know if this is going to happen until it actually does.

Scott Laneri

Yeah, yeah. And up until I mean, like in Utah, for instance, you can't place a baby for adoption until at least 24 hours after the birth. So even once the baby arrives, it's still just very much out of your control. And again, that should be because until a prospective birth mother chooses to place with a family like it is her baby. And that is really hard, though, to walk that fine line of like being human. And you know that there's been a lot of time and a lot of effort on your side and also just trying to be like Christlike and compassionate and realizing like, Well, gosh, this poor girl is going through so much. And she's having to make this huge sacrifice and this really difficult thing. That can be hard. I think at times, there are the natural man comes in and you just have feelings. And then that's hard, because you're like, Oh, we shouldn't feel that way. And, yeah, that's just one of one of several challenges.

Morgan Jones Pearson

One thing that I imagine would be interesting is you're trying to trust that things are gonna work out the way that they're supposed to. But you also are kind of like hustling, trying to come up with your own ideas and how to get the word out. And so I wondered, how would you say that you have relied on spiritual guidance, while also kind of pursuing your own ideas and your desire for this with confidence?

Ashley Laneri

So at the beginning of pursuing adoption, we were doing IVF at the same time, and we had a second miscarriage in the middle of that as well. And that was probably my lowest that I've been because it affected me. It affected my testimony, which is something very important and sacred to me. And I really struggled. I was very angry, very angry at God. And that even hurts to say that too, but you don't know who else to target your anger to. So you're like, well, the person who could fix this, the Lord and I really had to work at building up my faith and my testimony in the middle of that and really kind of realize, I can put in all of my effort. I can give everything, I can even sacrifice my body, my emotional state, my mental state, and it still doesn't work. But that there is only One who can make it really work. It's not going to be me. And so yeah, we put in all this effort. But like, at the end of the day, it's really the Savior that made these boys exist in our lives. And so I don't know, I don't know if that even answers the question, Morgan, because I don't know how you balance the two. But I just think it is important to realize like, yes, the Lord does love effort. But even if you put in all your effort, and it doesn't work out, that doesn't mean it's impossible. It just means that the Lord also has His timing in his way. And true trust means really trusting in His timing, and in His way, and that He really can make it happen.

Scott Laneri

And I would think a lot of the time, like we mentioned that we had kind of two big promptings one was right after we adopted Charlie, or shortly after we adopted Charlie, and then Ashley had an experience a couple years later, while watching conference. And that was like, that was like a big umbrella. of, hey, we're going to adopt again. And so we knew that part was right. But then a lot of it is you're just kind of running forward, trying to stay within that, that umbrella of the promptings and hey, we know, we're supposed to adopt again, we feel like this is right, we feel like you're directing us. But there was a lot of the time where, especially with Peter in our second adoption, where, like, I would turn to Ashley, and I'd just be like, Ash, I just haven't had like a big spiritual experience in a while, like, is this still good? Is it still right? And we had to look back a lot. And just remember, yes, we already received the answer, and just keep moving forward. And sometimes we would move forward in a direction and then we'd get a no. And then we'd have to kind of move in a different direction. Right before we adopted Peter, we had an experience where we thought we were going to adopt someone. And we were really excited, no one had reached out to us in over a year, which, based on how many people were viewing Ashley's videos and contacting us, that's really rare. It was another testimony to us that like it was meant to be this way. But finally, someone reached out. And we were so excited. And we communicated with her. We had like a two and a half hour FaceTime call with her. And then we found out that she was a scammer. And that it was all fake, and that she wasn't in it for money or anything like that. It was just an emotional scam, like catfishing for adoption. And so talking about the challenges of adoption, Morgan, that's one. Adoption is like one of the highest fraud and scamming areas, because you have people who are really vulnerable and more susceptible. And we were, and that was so hard. So again, that made us go Jeez, are we even supposed to adopt? But then the quick miracle is that we were fasting that day to know if we were supposed to adopt her baby. And we got an answer that she was fake, that she was a scammer. And it was that night, that the person who actually connected us with Peter called us. And it was a coworker of mine. And it was through like a friend of a friend of a friend. And she just called and she was like Scott, how are you doing? And I was like, This is really weird that she's calling me at night. And she said, is Ashley home? And can you put her on speakerphone? And we did and then she's like, Hey, my mom's best friend's niece is pregnant, and she's been looking at your profile. And she'd really liked to talk with you guys. So it's amazing. You can have like one prompting, it can be a long time ago and if you just keep pressing forward, like God eventually delivers.

Morgan Jones Pearson

It's amazing. So interesting to hear about how all of that works. I wonder having gone through this experience for those of us that have never been through this, how would you say that we can all be more sensitive to adoptive families in our words and communities?

Ashley Laneri

As something that would maybe benefit everyone would just be to like, go Google "adoption terminology" and just like spend like two minutes and just go read some words that you could, that you should just be mindful of. I personally before adopting, I put my foot in my mouth like multiple times and now being an adoptive Mom, I'm like, Oh, my goodness, I'm humiliated that I said that to those individuals. So I think one like as an example, one word that would be really helpful is just learning the term birth parent, or you can also call them biological parents. People will still even close people to me will say things like, does Charlie's dad have blue eyes? And I'm like, Oh, you mean, Scott? Like, because Scott is Charlie's dad. But it's really important that we distinguish the two because a birth parent is so special and so important. But a parent, there needs to be a distinguishing so that it's not confusing for the kids too as they grow up. So I'd say that would be a big one. I also think people are—when it comes to adoption, people are always so curious. And they don't realize that the curiosity can sometimes be...I want to be sensitive about how I say this, but kind of prying, like birth parents, at least our relationship with our boys' birth parents we hold s very special to us, but also very private, it's their business. It's their lives. And so we don't, when people ask us a lot of questions, just out of curiosity, it can sometimes put an adoptive parent in an awkward situation, because it should really be our son's business and their relationship with with their birth parents.

Scott Laneri

And there's, there's probably always a time and a place to talk about it. Like most things, but it's just like if you're in sacrament meeting, and someone adopted a child in front of you, and you know, it's probably not the right place, right then to be like, Hey, tell me everything about the birth parents? And, yeah, I think another thing is just like the relationship that we have with our sons, like we very often forget that they were adopted. And it's kind of a funny thing, but like with Charlie, I just I don't even think about it. I mean I guess I think about it when I need to, but like in the day to day experience with Charlie, it's just like, man, he's just my boy, like, I don't I don't think of him as like, Oh, this is my adopted son, Charlie. And I think sometimes when people ask us questions, it seems like maybe they they might think that's how we view it. And it's just far from it.

Morgan Jones Pearson

You have said that it's easy in instances like this to ask, "Why me?" Which is a question that I certainly have asked, and I'm sure most people listening have asked at some point. What have you both learned about why God allows us to go through challenges and hardship?

Scott Laneri

I think I've spoken about this a bit and I don't think I have a lot of profound advice here. And we certainly don't have a monopoly on like waiting or suffering or trials. But I do just think that it's the rough stone rolling, you know, we are like that's that's how we go through life and how we go through mortality. And God shapes us by going through trials and struggles. And so, like, the next time that I'm tempted to ask why me, I just I need to remember myself, like right now, where we've had a really good experience and just remember, there's so much happiness, and there's so much good that comes through the hard things. The last 18 months are so worth it because I have this beautiful little baby boy Peter who we get to hold and who is ours and and it's just all worth it. So that helps me hopefully next time to not feel as badly as I have before and ask why me?

Morgan Jones Pearson

Another thing that I love that you said is that wrestling doesn't mean you don't have faith. And I think this is key. I'm a big believer that God actually wants us to ask questions and to work things out with him. So how have you found that God doesn't fault us for those why me questions?

Ashley Laneri

When I look at like the prophets and apostles, I want to follow their counsels so just like, head on, just perfectly. And I feel that a message that I've heard from them is it's better in trials to not ask why but to ask, what can I learn from this? So I think when I have thought, why is this happening and why me? I've kind of put myself down and thought, why can't I just like, follow that advice and follow that counsel perfectly. And I've learned that it's really important to be compassionate to yourself, that the Savior takes you where you are. I said, how in that last miscarriage, I came away from that very angry, very bitter. And the Savior took me as a very angry person. And He changed my heart. And it was hard. But He molded me into me being able to build up my faith and my testimony. So I think if you're asking why me in your life right now, to just know that it's okay, and that just have some compassion, you'll get there, there will be a point where you're going to be like, What can I learn from this? But if you're not asking that right now that's okay. You're still following the prophets, you're still doing what's right. But God takes you where you're at.

Morgan Jones Pearson

Absolutely. I also loved one of the things that I watched in preparation for this interview, you said that God helps us find ways to keep going, that He gives us just enough to keep us kind of in the pursuit of whatever it is that we're trying to do. And I love that because I love the idea of daily bread that God gives us just enough to get us through another day a lot of the time, how have you seen him giving you just enough? Like, what does that actually look like for you guys?

Ashley Laneri

One of my favorite stories is in the book of Ether, the Jaredites. And they get into a giant football, or a ship that's tight like a dish, and they travel across the waters. And they have a bunch of issues, one of them being air. And we talk a lot about the light one, and steering God takes care of but the air, God tells them to cut a hole in the top and in the bottom of the ship. And that when the waves are crashing upon them, they then prayed, and God brings the ship above the water, and then they can unstop the hole and get air. And that is exactly how I would describe, well, this entire experience, I feel like every time that I have been like, I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired. Please, I just need to breathe. God has given me air. And it comes in the form of...it comes in the form of just a kind comment, of the scriptures. I mean, the scriptures have been my best friends through this whole process, just a scripture that I just needed at the time. Or maybe it was like a cool opportunity like a somebody, a food blogger wanting to collaborate, to help get the word out about adoption. I mean, it came in lots of different forms. But every time I prayed for air, God gave me air. And I just know that if you need air, God will, he'll give it to you if you if you ask.

Morgan Jones Pearson

That is so well said. Ashley and Scott, what would you say to others who are in the thick of a similar situation currently,

Scott Laneri

We would say that God delivers. And we've talked about this several times. And Ashley just mentioned it, like, you know, when Ashley said that she needed air. And when we needed air, God gave us air. And I talked about how we had sort of early promptings early on and then kind of had to run blindly at times. But at the end of the process, we've learned and seen over and over and over, that God delivers on promptings, He delivers on promises. Every Father's blessing we received, every priesthood blessing, every prompting, every everything in our patriarchal blessings, like, we've just watched God deliver on those and it's been really beautiful. So, you know, for people who are in trials, and everyone is, that can be really difficult to remember. But for me, it gave me hope, and it continues to give me hope because I'm sure we're gonna go into another trial here soon. And just knowing that God delivers, God helps and He keeps His promises, is huge.

Ashley Laneri

I listen to this podcast all the time, Morgan, and I usually have my air pods in and I'm cleaning my house as I listen. And I can remember certain areas of my house that I was cleaning, and just really needing some help and having someone say something on this podcast that I was like, "You will never know. But that was just for me." So I'm just like picturing someone out there with their air pods in cleaning a toilet right now who's just like having a hard time. And I would just say to them to remember, remember the times where God has taken care of you before, remember, five years ago, when you were a little kid, maybe the other day where you were worried and God took care of you, He's going to take care of you again. One of my favorite scriptures that has come back to me throughout this whole process is when Jesus is sending out His disciples. And he's saying don't take any purse or script, just go, just don't worry, just go. And then He says, Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, and they toil not. And yet God takes care of them. And His message is, He will take care of you too. If He takes care of flowers in the fields. If He notices the birds in the sky, He notices you, you matter to Him, and he will take care of you. So remember the times where He took care of you before and trust that the same God who took care of you yesterday, and three years ago, and last month is the same God who's going to take care of you, because he is a covenant God. And like Scott said He always delivers. And He always keeps His promises.

Morgan Jones Pearson

I have chills listening to you talk about that, not only because I have hoped many times that something that said on this will help somebody going through something. But also just because I've seen the same thing. I've seen how many times God has answered my prayers. And I always think of it as like God rounding the corner in our lives. We just never know at what moment we're gonna be able to see Him. But He is there and loves us and cares about us, Scott and Ashley, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story for your willingness to do so. My last question for you is what does it mean to you to be all in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Scott Laneri

I think it means to be all in, you cling when you're feeling weak, and you're going through hard things and you just hold on. And then when you're feeling strong, you turn it around and you try to be like the Savior and you help those people who are just clinging on.

Ashley Laneri

I think currently in my life, what it means to be all in is to stay when it's hard, to choose to stay, even when it's hard and to realize that your thoughts and ways are not God's thoughts and ways. And choose to trust in the One who sees who sees more clearly than you do, who has a bigger and better plan for you than you do. So choose to stay and choose to trust in Him.

Morgan Jones Pearson

Beautifully said, Guys, thank you so much for for doing this and for your wonderful thoughts and for your example of faith. It means a ton to me.

Ashley Laneri

You're welcome Morgan.

Scott Laneri

Thank you so much more.

Ashley Laneri

So fun to be here.

Morgan Jones Pearson

We are so grateful to Scott and Ashley Laneri for joining us on today's episode. A big thanks to Derek Campbell at Mix at Six Studios for his help with this episode. And thank you for listening. We'll look forward to being with you again next week.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai